you try to save your own life and you pay and you pay and you pay
09.07.04 | 23:37
I'm not mad. I am mad. It's ok. I'm furious. I'm confused. I'm overreacting. I'm so. fucking. upset that I want to Enunciate every WORD so it SOUNDS. VERY. ZEN. Like perfect little fucking ONE-WORD HAIKUS of FUCKING ZENNOSITY. I don't know why. I do know why. I feel abandoned. I feel betrayed. For a reason. For no reason at all. I'm overreacting. I should ovverreact. I never FUCKING. OVERREACT. to anything these days or EVER because I was such a quiet little girl with no voice to speak and no hands to write for myself and no brain, apparently, and that means no feelings that make me feel Abandoned. and Betrayed. and Unloved. and Unwanted. and completely FUCKED OVER. because the quiet ones don't complain. They're Good Children.
I don't want to be self-destructive. I want to be whole or at THE VERY LEAST pieced together enough to work and function like I'm a human with REACTIONS to things. This anger makes me feel guilty. I shouldn't be guilty. It wasn't my fault, not the first time, but this time, maybe it was my fault, maybe they don't want me for the same reason he doesn't want me anymore, because people get tired of me and I CAN NOT KEEP PLAYING TRICKS FOR YOU PEOPLE I don't even know who I am really and I can't know anything about ME with all these people around but who am I without them I'm not sure and I'm not sure I want to know that and I want to stop anticipating what you all want and I want to be me for me by me GODDAMMIT I don't want to be feeling like this but that's a lie because it's true that I wallow in self-pity like a delicious mud bath full of vitamins and it makes me feel GOOD somehow for people to say what a poor kid you were and you were so miserable and I was so FUCKING WORRIED ABOUT YOU.
fuck you fuck you you worthless syphilitic puddle of badger SHIT why did you have to fuck up my life so fucking COMPLETELY that I don't even know how much damage you did you fuck. I don't love you and I miss you and I want you to come back and say you're sorry and you really mean it this time and you're not just getting my hopes up pretending to be normal and you really loved me, you always did and you were just confused and I hope you're so fucking sorry and I know you're not because you just stopped caring. how can you stop caring about your child I don't understand because I never stopped caring about you even when I did I CAN'T but I hate you so fucking much it's unbelievable even though you're not worth it, I know. but it is.
-laura
I can't believe this started about not being invited to a fucking movie.