i'll pour out my soul for you for i am wasting it
08.31.05 | 23:55
i am so lucky. i'm lucky that i can go to really good schools, and that i have such a nice computer, and that i have such a wonderful mom who pisses me off constantly and always loves me, and that i can buy freaking stargate dvd box sets on a whim because they're on sale. i completely realize the truth of my luckiness, and it kind of takes the wind out of my sails when i feel sad, and i feel sad at weird times, and everyone hates me, and i'm lonely and depressed and i feel unworthy and stupid and insignificant. i don't get scholarships, i'm out of shape and don't play sports, i'm antisocial and generally unpleasant to be around, i'm scared to talk to people, none of the clubs and organizations at my really good school interest me at all. it's really hard and i know i'm lazy and unmotivated (even when i am) and i'm so scared i'm going to fail and everyone will be so disappointed in me.
it's going to be horrible.
i thought this was going to make me feel better, but it's not working. orientation, and the thought of being around a hundred other strangers my own age, was fucking terrifying. i wish i could talk to people. i wish i had my sister's way with people. so it took her years to get it, so what? i still want it. other people make friends, i know they do. i wish i knew how they did it. i wish i could care a little bit more. maybe it's just the fear; it's not the talking, particularly, that's so gut-wrenchingly impossible, it's keeping it up. i can't keep it up and i don't know how everyone else does it and it's really fucking frustrating.
pearl-o is 20, for fuck's sake. i think kira is in high school. i don't know what the hell's wrong with me. i know i'm not stupid. i just don't particularly have any special skills or talents or anything i can really be proud of and i don't know why i'm always so fucking critical of myself but it doesn't feel like criticism, it feels like honest assessment it feels like nothing i do/write/say, no matter how good it is by my personal standards of good for me, it won't stand up to the rest of the smart people's work. i used to console myself with the thought that these people were all a lot older than me and they have more experience and all that bullshit i tell myself when i don't want to feel too terribly incompetent. but i'm getting up there in years myself now and the young talent is trampling me into the dust and nothing i ever do is going to be as good as their things and they make friends with people, too.
i don't know why i can't bring myself to honestly care about people. it makes me feel like shit that i can't but i just can't. i'm selfish and i have no talent and i'm scared of people and i'm just really fucking sad.
this didn't make me feel better at all.